Mort and the Grocery Store
by Jilene Marr
Summary: Mort finds that there is nothing better to do then to go to the store to look for some good old corn. When he gets there he meets a cast of characters that will surprise you. It is really a story for those who like a good laugh!


_(Hello fellow writers, readers, and umm.. people. I have a special treat for you! If you liked my Secret Window when Mort goes to the fair then you will love this! If you didn't read it then that's ok! Just wanted to tell you to enjoy yourselves and laugh a little!)_

_Quest for Corn_

It was a grim dark day and a grumpy and unclean Mort Rainy drove down the streets to the nearest Grocery Store. It was time that he had gotten new food. He was just down to the last of what he had. For many days, no, everyday, Mort had eaten his Corn that he had planted himself until he got a surprising visit.

"Hey Mort, how is everything?" Asked a man in a southern twang.

"Fine, just fine. Though, my stories aren't the same anymore," he told the man gazing back at him.

"What do you mean Mort? You stole my story!" Said the voice back at him.

This seemed to make Mort angry. "I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP SHOOTER!"

"Oh fine, I was just telling you to go to the grocery store. They have some corn there and I thought it was the best plot that I could come up with," said the voice back at him that sounded a lot like the poor author who was slaving over the key board hoping that this fan fiction would be read.

"Oh all right," said Mort to Shooter.

And that is how he started his was down to the Grocery Store. He loved corn and he didn't mind in the least to get a good look at theirs. He put the car in park and walked into the store to find that there weren't a lot of people working there.

He glanced over at the store to get a good idea of where the corn may be until he noticed an African American woman staking boxes of cereal. "Excuse me miss but where is your corn?" Mort asked her and as she turned around there was a large scream.

"YOU! You're the man from... from... the fair!" She seemed scared to death. "Why are you here?"

"I just wanted something good to eat... something like-"  
"Honey bunches of oats!" She said, cutting him off. Mort was going to say corn. He glared at her and she continued. "It's like a mouth fulla joy!" and then she cackled the scarcest cackle known to humanity.

"No...no... I'm looking for the corn," he said, stepping a little closer and then the women's face turned green and she ran off to the women's bathroom. "I wonder what that was all about," Mort said to himself. It couldn't be the fact that he hadn't showed for around weeks!

This didn't stop Morts quest for corn. He walked down the dairy isle and to his surprise someone started to speak to him. "Hello mister," said the voice.

Mort looked over to see a man who looked like a child. He gazed at this freak. "You're a stranger so stay away from my danger!"

"STUART!" Yelled the voice of his mother, she turned to look at Mort. "Oh Stuart did you make a friend?"

"Oh, hello ma'am do you know where the corn is?"

"NOOOOOOO!" Said the voice of Stuart who then started to do a kicking action at Mort.

"Ouch! You little shit!" Said Mort when Stuart hit him in the knee and he clutched it. At that moment the mother had turned around to pick up some milk and Mort leaned in to talk to the little boy/man. "You little brat. If you kick me again, I'm going to go out to my car, get my screwdriver and dig it into your danger because I am a stranger. Then I will drag you out and push you in my trunk of my car. I'll find some wolves and feed you to them and no one will find your freakishly large body..."

Stuart's eyes opened wide along with his mouth. Mort continued to walk away instill his eyes glanced over to see the freakiest thing. There was a man with scissors for hands! Holy Crap! Mort thought it would be a great time to see what this man was like. "Well, hello there," said Mort as he approached the man who was smiling back at him.

"Hello," said the voice. "I'm Edward."

"Isn't that nice? Well, anyway, I wanted to know if you have um... ever killed anyone with those babies?" Asked Mort and he noticed that Edward was tearing up, and then he nodded. "Really? See, I prefer my shovel but I suppose if I had a pair of those I could dice them up quite well. How was it?"

"How was what?" asked Edward, his eyes tearing up.

"The killing?" Edward seemed blank. "How was it to kill with those?" And to Morts surprise once again, Edward ran away, down the isle and out the doors. Mort shrugged and continued.

"OH MY GODDDD! IT'S JOHNNY!" There were a whole bunch of girls running at him again. Why did girls do this all the time? He knew not of this Johnny fellow they all talked about. He ran down the isles with around ten rabid fan girls in his wake.

He ran around a corner and noticed a large display of cans in a large pyramid. At once, Mort grabbed a metal carriage and waited for the moment the girls came running to find him. In not time flat they ran over and Mort pushed the carriage. It rolled quickly and hit the display, causing them all to fall over and land on top of the fan girls.

Mort smiled as the girls whined in pain and he continued to search for his corn. He noticed he was in the isle with different spices and he saw the backs oh four young teenagers.

"Hello," said a girl with large bushy brown hair. By the looks of her she seemed to be a little bit of a hill billy. "How are you?" She was holding up a bottle full of sugar. Mort smiled. He was happy that she had all of her teeth.

"I'm just fine," said Mort. Her jaw dropped.

"Oh my god Harry, it's Johnny Depp," said the girl.

"Hermione, it is not Johnny Depp," said Harry as he looked at his friend with red hair who was eating.

"Wota? Who em Johnny Depp?" The boy said with his mouth full.

"Ron, Johnny Depp is the best actor ever!" Exclaimed Hermione.

"It's not important though, because he's not Johnny Depp," said Harry.

"Thank you. Someone who understands," said Mort and then the three people huddled around him.

"Oh look, it's our Professor. We hate him so much," said Harry who leaned over to Mort.

"He's est 'orrible," said Ron with a donut in his mouth.

"I'll take care of him," Mort finished as the Professor started walking over.

He was wearing large black robes and his slimy hair reminded Mort of his own. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't be out here alone," said Professor Snape.

"But-" Hermione started.

"Miss. Granger why don't you shut up. You continue to babble your know-it-all talk. Take two thousands points from Gryffindor," Snape then curled his lip.

"Hey mister do you reckon I can talk to you," said Mort with a southern twang. And he motioned the man with his hand. The next thing he knew he walked him into the now empty isle. "I reckon you leave those nice kids over there alone or I might have to hurt ya."

"You threaten me you muggle?" Snape then swung out his wand and pointed it at Mort.  
Mort smiled," Oh and is that stick supposed to scare me eh?" He then reached out and grabbed his wand and snapped it in two. Snape then started crying like a little greasy monkey. Then Mort took a loaf of bread and suffocated Snape and left to venture to the corn.

Once he left the isle he saw a large table full of corn and Mort went over to it. He sniffed it and licked it and streaked it over and over again. Tears were welling up in his eyes. He then fell down to his knees and began to worship like he always does when he sees a whole lotta corn. "Oh mighty corn!" He started, "I worship you! You are my czar! You are my love!"

After a fashion of time Mort grabbed a couple ears of corn and went to the register to pay for it. "That will be two fifty," said a low voice. Mort looked up to see a man/women with black hair and white skin. It appeared that it had red lipstick on and as though its nose was to fall off. "Well, hello there. Long time no see."

"You! You tattled on me!" Said Mort in a low voice.

"I did nothing of the sort," said Michael Jackson and then he did his little Billy Jean 'who hoo.' "Did the crazy man have a nice ride?"

"I'm not crazy!" Said Mort in a loud voice.

"Oh yeah, and I'm not a child molester."

Mort looked around and grabbed a plastic shopping bag and shoved Michaels head in it. Once the struggling Michael stopped Mort ran out of the store with his corn. Got in his car and drove off.

Later that day...

"This just in. There is a new face of danger. Today, it was found that two people were killed by a man in a local Grocery store. It appears that a Mister Severus Snape was killed by a loaf of bread. Here a few of his students here to comment." The camera shot went over to three teenagers and a reporter.

"So he was your teacher?" the reporter asked.

"Yes," said Hermione

"Do you know who did this?"

There was a pause, the three students looked at each other and Harry spoke.

"Not a clue."  
"Are you sad about this?"

They all looked at each other again.

"Nah, we er jus curming fur zum shuff," and the red head with a chicken leg in his mouth.

"They are just in shock Gary, in shock," said the reporter and it went back to the man.

"Not only was this Severus Snape killed but so was Michael Jackson the man who- well, he doesn't really matter anyway, but here a few more comments from people."

The camera shot to a woman with her son.

"I think it was that man! Stay away from my danger!" The kid yelled as he kicked the reporter.

"What man?" asked the reporter.

"The one with the," he then made an odd motion with his hands.

"The one with the scissors for hands," said the women.

The camera then shifted again to the Honey bunches of oats women but all she had to say was that she was going to feed America. Mort turned off his TV and grabbed another ear of corn.

"Another perfect day," said Mort Rainy as he bit into his corn with his braced teeth.

(If you liked this story then please tell me so!)


End file.
